Caring for NICU Families: 5 Do’s and Don’ts They Want You To Know
Written by: Marisa Gaudet, CPD, CPN, Owner: Mother Nurture Postpartum LLC
As a postpartum doula, I like to question myself often. What’s the new lactation research? What are the new products that everyone is trying? What areas are modern families struggling to keep up with? There was always one area of parent’s stories that truly perplexed me. One I felt deep empathy for but didn’t have firsthand or personal experience with: NICU families. It was my job to figure out how I could best serve them.
A good friend of mine, Linnea (who happens to be my college roommate) currently has twin girls in the NICU. She is such a bright light in my life. We speak via social media, as we live away from each other now, but to know her is to love her. I wanted to be there for her (as any friend would want to) but how? Would I say the wrong thing? Would she be open to talking? What was the protocol here? Often, we decide not to say anything at all out of fear of saying the wrong thing, and that felt all kinds of icky to me. I had to know how she was doing and how to support her with my words in a way that felt best to her. Linnea graciously allowed me to interview her for this blog post, to help others like me, learn how to support NICU families.
I decide to also reach out on a local mom’s group to get the scoop on all things NICU. So many amazing women shared their stories with me through DM. These stories made me cry, giggle, and smile along with these families. I don’t know these women and they got intimate and candid with me, to help the next person. Their stories are nothing less than miraculous. Hero stories. Full of anguish and yet so much love. If you stop reading here, know this: these caregivers deserve gold medals.
Below are some do’s and don’ts when it comes to supporting NICU families, directly from the source. Not shockingly, all of their stories had these threads of commonality in them. We all just want to feel supported and loved, especially during this fragile time as parents. I hope as a family member or friend, this helps you reach out and help where you can!
DO send money for take out, or bring takeout to the hospital (if the family desires). There is sometimes not room for homemade meals or ways to heat them up in hospital or hotel scenarios. As much as we love a home cooked meal, it sometimes isn’t doable when there are lots of trips to and from the hospital. A meal is so important and comforting for these families.
DON’T ask when the baby is coming home. Often, that answer depends on a number of factors, many of which the families don’t even know. This question triggers a lot of feelings. Instead, try saying: “we admire the strength you are showing during this difficult time. You are a great parent.” and leaving it at that. They will be sure to update you with a timeline when they know.
DO help support siblings at home. Many caregivers reported some of the most helpful things were people offering to pick older siblings up from school or sporting events, taking them for special time, and bringing them on adventures. Parents who are traveling to and from a hospital or are staying there for a period of time desperately need help giving their other children the time they need. Help by doing as much as you can for these kids. NICU families will really thank you.
DON’T (and this is seriously the biggest DON’T) insinuate that these families have it easier because their baby is in the NICU. Seriously. Don’t say anything to the liking of “at least you’re getting some sleep” or “at least the nurses are doing most of the work for you” or “just wait and see how tired you are when baby comes home”. These caregivers want NOTHING MORE than to be up all night with their babies who are safely at home. They want nothing more than to change all the diapers. They want nothing more than to have to rock their baby without wires and alarms.
DO still shower the family with the same amount of congratulations and love that you would in any other scenario. They just had a baby. They deserve all of the love and admiration even though their situation looks different right now. Send them a card congratulating them on the birth of their beautiful baby and sending all of the well wishes for recovery for everyone. These parents deserve it all and more.
I asked all of the NICU mamas what they would say to another NICU family going through it right now. Here’s what Linnea had to say:
“If I could say anything to a NICU mama it would be this: ‘one day at a time’ isn’t slow enough. You MUST take it hour by hour, minute by minute. I kept thinking about the following day, or what the next few hours would look like, and it was HORRIBLE. As hard as it is, be very present. Nothing else matters except nurturing your children and yourself. Also, make time for your spouse, don’t forget about them. They are there to help support you, utilize them, they want to be part of this and they want to take your pain away”
All of the NICU graduates want you to know that people want to help and to ask for help. Give specific, direct requests. Your village will go to bat for you.
Finally, I asked NICU mamas one final question: what did you do to take care of yourself postpartum? What most of them said, is that they didn’t. There were reports of long healing times, postpartum depression and anxiety, and very burnt out mothers. Linnea said:
“I’ll go ahead and say I didn’t protect my body post c section and I paid for it. It’s hard to remember you’re healing too when you’re kids are in the NICU, but you HAVE to take it slow. I kept telling myself that my kids need me healthy, I can’t take care of them without taking care of me."
As caregivers to the caregivers, we must remind our mothers that they matter too. Their bodies, mind, and soul are deserving of the same tender love they are giving to their babies. Let’s do our best to support mothers, so they can put the oxygen mask on themselves as well.
To end, I would like to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to the NICU moms who made this blog post possible. Thank you for taking the time to share your story, which makes the next NICU family feel less alone.
A special thank you to my friend Linnea for allowing me to share her quotes and inspiration. If you’d like to help Linnea and her family while they still support their girls in the NICU, follow her journey on Instagram @linneabcalkins
Linnea has an essential oil business that is her primary source of income while she takes care of her NICU babies. Consider buying from her if you’re interested!
